- Shut up
- Hide my true feelings
- Keep it down
- Love my kids
- Warm, comfy feelings toward others
- Not retaliate
- Bull shit because I should
- Work hard at something I believe to be a waste
- Stay up late
- Baby people
- Show love
- Accept what I cannot understand
- Living for someone else
- Grow rosemary
I returned from vacation at 2 am Tuesday morning. What a shock to go back to work Wednesday – the contrast of being outside hiking in the woods daily in North Carolina, with now being in my windowless office – is deep.
During the trip, and a short time prior, I was beginning to work on my opening my heart. Sounds cheesy, trust me I know. I have been emotionally numb and stuck for a long time and have recently wanted that to change for various reasons. I started looking for something – a book, a group – anything to help. What showed up was a class on opening the heart, which I signed up for and attended a few days before my trip. Nothing striking there, but it began a slightly different thought process. Since returning I have noticed that perhaps focusing on my heart has moved something, just a little. Being in the green lush mountains has healed, perhaps a smidge. The thing I’ve really come to understand is that my heart is encased in a hard shell for a reason – when it’s ready to crack it will. When I heal and am ready to move forward, I will.
I haven’t talked to my kids for awhile – and really don’t feel a thing about that. I have not made any attempt to repair my relationship with my mother – and am not sure it’s my job. I do not have any contact with my family right now – feels fine. Nice actually – no guilt trips. I believe I’ll just sit here awhile.
Oh mother’s day. What the hell are you? A day to recognize that mothers exist? A day to go over to mom’s and hang out while she cooks and cleans up after us? Buy flowers? Stupid pointless cards that cost five freaking dollars that don’t fit the nature of your relationship – because let’s just be honest, no one has that kind of relationship with their mother (fluffy, pink, sweet, light of my life shit). I’d really rather have the option of buying a card that says something like “This is a really awkward day and I don’t like to hang out with you but I’m supposed to do something so here”. I’d buy that.
Then there’s the I’m a mother and it’s mother’s day situation. Does age trump number of kids? Do we always have to defer to our mothers before we take a freaking day to do nothing – including mother? Do I get to opt out as a mother’s day recipient? You really want to give me something? Well how about leave me the feck alone for a day!
What about grandmothers and aunts? Why are all the cards out there for them if they aren’t our MOTHERS! Where does it stop people? Can we please just stop the insanity of having to fake it through another goddamn holiday thing that we have to celebrate because it’s what we do, regardless of reality or beliefs, or lack of religion etc. I am not a Christian but I’m expected to celebrate easter and Christmas. I don’t believe the story of Thanksgiving, but I am required to go eat and be thankful for something. Father’s day, grandparent’s day, blah blah blah. Let’s just call them all by what they are: Painful Relationships Awareness Day. Let’s at least be honest about it and forgive each other for being less than we’d hoped for, lower the expectations, accept reality and go see a movie alone, or at least with people we choose to be around because we honestly like them.