I returned from vacation at 2 am Tuesday morning. What a shock to go back to work Wednesday – the contrast of being outside hiking in the woods daily in North Carolina, with now being in my windowless office – is deep.
During the trip, and a short time prior, I was beginning to work on my opening my heart. Sounds cheesy, trust me I know. I have been emotionally numb and stuck for a long time and have recently wanted that to change for various reasons. I started looking for something – a book, a group – anything to help. What showed up was a class on opening the heart, which I signed up for and attended a few days before my trip. Nothing striking there, but it began a slightly different thought process. Since returning I have noticed that perhaps focusing on my heart has moved something, just a little. Being in the green lush mountains has healed, perhaps a smidge. The thing I’ve really come to understand is that my heart is encased in a hard shell for a reason – when it’s ready to crack it will. When I heal and am ready to move forward, I will.
I haven’t talked to my kids for awhile – and really don’t feel a thing about that. I have not made any attempt to repair my relationship with my mother – and am not sure it’s my job. I do not have any contact with my family right now – feels fine. Nice actually – no guilt trips. I believe I’ll just sit here awhile.