Still there, again.

During my session with my therapist last night, it was pointed out to me that I had mentioned “being in the woods” at least three times, and that perhaps I should go to the woods sometime.  When he said that I almost started crying immediately.  I remembered that when I was a kid, just a random aged kid, I would have episodes of being depressed, numb, depressed and overwhelmed and alone much like I have recently.  My solution was to go way out in the woods to one of two spots with a moss covered tree or hill under a tree, and sit and cry for a couple hours until I couldn’t do either anymore.  Then I gave up the drama and went home, acting like nothing happened.  I’m assuming this was helpful, though here I am again, feeling the same way and apparently needing the same thing.  I can’t figure out what it is about walking into the safe thickness of a covered woods, heavy with leaves, earthy and damp, draped with bright green moss that cures me, at least momentarily.

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I think I’ll go today when I get home.  I’ll find a large, cool rock resting on the edge of a creek and sit.  Quietly.  Alone. I’ll probably cry, though I’m not entirely sure why.  With a lot of luck I’ll find some mushrooms for dinner.

A Scones Throw

That’s the first thought I had when I woke up, “A scones throw” as in a unit of measurement like a stones throw.  I imagine a scone would be much harder to throw and measure.  Probably why it’s never used as much as a stone.

I made scones yesterday for the first time and damn they’re easy, and good.  Only challenge is to not eat all of them in one sitting.  Which until recently has not ever been an option because I’ve had kids to eat everything, good or bad, in about 15 minutes.  With them gone (still alive, I didn’t kill them, just moved out) I kind of don’t know what to do with extra food, milk, etc. except eat it all myself before someone else.  Like a crazed starving zombie.  But I’m fighting for the food alone.  Looks funny from the outside I bet.  I also don’t know what to do with my time.  I don’t need to clean as much so what else is there?  Really, what do people do with time?  I’m going to make a list of options for the day.

1) Finish Columbine (book about the school shooting – I like reading about psychopaths and murder for numerous reasons)

2) Watch movies on Netflix

3) Plan out website for private counseling practice in April

4) Hike with dog (it’s really pretty out and warmish)

5) Sit and stare

6) Hijack boyfriends clay studio in the garage and make something awful (he’s gone selling work)

7) Obsess about wrinkles and freak out by over doing the self maintenance

Whatever I do, I will do it with gratitude, because I have a lot to be thankful for.  Time to sit and think about what to do is just the tip of the sconeberg, I mean iceberg.

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