What do you wear to a Willie Nelson concert?

Dolly Parton in the 1970s

I’m on a mission.  Mostly to do things I wouldn’t normally.  You see, though I’m really honest here, in the non-internet/cloud world I try to fit in and refrain from boat rocking for the most part.  Thoughts stay in my head if I’m in control, and had enough sleep (or not if I’m in the car alone).  I’m now seeking a middle ground.  If I find someone attractive, I’ll tell them.  If I want to go up to a stranger and strike up a conversation about their belt buckle because I’m shocked that their able to walk around with the weight, well then I will.  And what better place to kick it into high gear than tonight at a Willie Nelson concert!

I’ve been debating on what to wear all day.  A t-shirt with another band’s graphic? A cowboy hat?  Jeans, cut offs, shorts, tank top… the list goes on.  You may be wondering why I’m even wasting my time because, who gives a fuck what you wear, no one cares, right?!  Wrong.  I do.  So I’m walking over to Urban Outfitters now to buy a way over priced Dolly Parton t-shirt because it’s fucking awesome and quite possibly the most perfect thing to wear to a Willie Nelson show.  HA!

 

13 days folks.

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Respect the Heart Shell

I returned from vacation at 2 am Tuesday morning.  What a shock to go back to work Wednesday – the contrast of being outside hiking in the woods daily in North Carolina, with now being in my windowless office – is deep.

rocks

During the trip, and a short time prior, I was beginning to work on my opening my heart.  Sounds cheesy, trust me I know.  I have been emotionally numb and stuck for a long time and have recently wanted that to change for various reasons.  I started looking for something – a book, a group – anything to help.  What showed up was a class on opening the heart, which I signed up for and attended a few days before my trip.  Nothing striking there, but it began a slightly different thought process.  Since returning I have noticed that perhaps focusing on my heart has moved something, just a little.  Being in the green lush mountains has healed, perhaps a smidge.  The thing I’ve really come to understand is that my heart is encased in a hard shell for a reason – when it’s ready to crack it will.  When I heal and am ready to move forward, I will.

I haven’t talked to my kids for awhile – and really don’t feel a thing about that.  I have not made any attempt to repair my relationship with my mother – and am not sure it’s my job.  I do not have any contact with my family right now – feels fine.  Nice actually – no guilt trips.  I believe I’ll  just sit here awhile.

Still there, again.

During my session with my therapist last night, it was pointed out to me that I had mentioned “being in the woods” at least three times, and that perhaps I should go to the woods sometime.  When he said that I almost started crying immediately.  I remembered that when I was a kid, just a random aged kid, I would have episodes of being depressed, numb, depressed and overwhelmed and alone much like I have recently.  My solution was to go way out in the woods to one of two spots with a moss covered tree or hill under a tree, and sit and cry for a couple hours until I couldn’t do either anymore.  Then I gave up the drama and went home, acting like nothing happened.  I’m assuming this was helpful, though here I am again, feeling the same way and apparently needing the same thing.  I can’t figure out what it is about walking into the safe thickness of a covered woods, heavy with leaves, earthy and damp, draped with bright green moss that cures me, at least momentarily.

mossy-forest-north-wales-2009-05-19-holiday-001-jimpix-co-uk

 

I think I’ll go today when I get home.  I’ll find a large, cool rock resting on the edge of a creek and sit.  Quietly.  Alone. I’ll probably cry, though I’m not entirely sure why.  With a lot of luck I’ll find some mushrooms for dinner.

Things I’ve Noticed Today…

  • Thick lotion is almost impossible to get out of a bottle.
  • I’ve gained a few pounds.
  • I will lose hair everyday, all day, forever, but it will mostly be found on the bathroom floor when my feet are wet.
  • I hate my clothes.
  • My boyfriend takes up most the bed and for some reason that doesn’t bother me in the least.
  • My neck hurts.
  • I don’t like most HR people, they’re bubbly.
  • I don’t like most people, they’re bubbly.
  • My mom pisses me off.
  • My mom will likely never be able to critically think about anything, least of all me.
  • Other people agree with me, unless of course they’re lying.
  • My neck hurts.
  • Little food has many calories.
  • I’m not like most people I know.
  • I don’t like my job right now.
  • Calluses make you stronger.
  • Chewing gum loses its flavour in about 20 minutes.

Liebster Blog Award!

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I am so surprised and honored that I was nominated for a Liebster award today from a like-minded mamma – extrememom.net – how exciting!  The rules for this one state that you answer the 11 questions asked of you by the Blogger who gave you this award. Then you pick blogs you want to nominate (under 200 followers) and ask them your own 11 questions.  These would be Extrememom’s ’ questions for me.

I really appreciate your nomination – Thank you very much!!!

The questions for me were: 

1. If you had to be an Old Maid card, which one would it be? (make something up, like…  Valerie Vodka or Shopaholic Shannon)

Macabre Mommy – ha – just the first thing that came to mind.

2. What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done? Just ONE please.

Wow, just one?  I suppose overall, just not trusted my intuition. 

3. If you could live anywhere on earth, where would it be?

I can’t say one place because I haven’t been to enough.  I suppose it would be somewhere north-west with mountains and ocean.  Mmmmmm…

4. What was your favorite childhood toy?

I had about 20 matchbox cars that I played with – they were actually people – named and all, not cars with people in them.  I played with them for hours, creating my own soap opera of sorts.  

5. Are you a dog or cat person? DOG!!!

6. If you could spend the day with any celebrity, who would it be? Why?

Audrey Hepburn – mostly because she’s dead and I’m really curious about that experience.  Plus she’s cool.  

7. What three words best describe your blog?

Honest. Raw. Authentic. 

8. Name something currently on your ‘bucket list’.

I don’t have a bucket list, but I want to be able to learn acceptance and letting go well enough to actually be able to do it.  

9. Who’s your favorite author?

Right now, Gillian Flynn

10. Describe your strangest dream.

Repeatedly being killed by my aunt’s ex husband – and the dream was in red. 

11.  An interesting fact about you…

I love goats?  I’m really not interesting at all.  

And I nominate the following 5 (because I don’t have time to find more that I love, these are the 5 under 200 that I love) – please note if you have more than 200 followers this is not meant as an insult, only my mistake.

1) The Diary of Dave Cameron http://thediaryofdavidcameron.wordpress.com/

2) Wine and Cheese  http://wineandcheesedoodles.wordpress.com/

3) Why is She so Stroppy  http://whyishersostroppy.wordpress.com/

4) Cold  http://victoriadougherty.wordpress.com/

5) Mother Outlaw  http://motheroutlaw.wordpress.com/

6) Vultures and Butterflies  http://vulturesandbutterflies.wordpress.com/

7)  Candid Coma  http://candidcoma.wordpress.com/

8) Finding Amy http://findingamymarsden.wordpress.com/

AND Your Questions Are (answer long or short, one word or fifty, I don’t care)…

1)What was the last thing you said?

2) What are you doing after 5pm today?

3) What would you do for a profession (anything)  if you knew you would succeed?

4) Favorite quote?

5) Do you search forever to find a close parking spot or just park and walk?

6) What’s you’re remedy for cleaning your stove top?

6) How do you deal with anger?

7) Have you ever had shark?

8) Organic or who cares?

9) What is your primary responsibility?

10) What’s one thing you want to know about me (not that I’ll answer)?

11) If you believe in a “higher power”, how do you define it and/or what do you call it?

liebsteraward

A Scones Throw

That’s the first thought I had when I woke up, “A scones throw” as in a unit of measurement like a stones throw.  I imagine a scone would be much harder to throw and measure.  Probably why it’s never used as much as a stone.

I made scones yesterday for the first time and damn they’re easy, and good.  Only challenge is to not eat all of them in one sitting.  Which until recently has not ever been an option because I’ve had kids to eat everything, good or bad, in about 15 minutes.  With them gone (still alive, I didn’t kill them, just moved out) I kind of don’t know what to do with extra food, milk, etc. except eat it all myself before someone else.  Like a crazed starving zombie.  But I’m fighting for the food alone.  Looks funny from the outside I bet.  I also don’t know what to do with my time.  I don’t need to clean as much so what else is there?  Really, what do people do with time?  I’m going to make a list of options for the day.

1) Finish Columbine (book about the school shooting – I like reading about psychopaths and murder for numerous reasons)

2) Watch movies on Netflix

3) Plan out website for private counseling practice in April

4) Hike with dog (it’s really pretty out and warmish)

5) Sit and stare

6) Hijack boyfriends clay studio in the garage and make something awful (he’s gone selling work)

7) Obsess about wrinkles and freak out by over doing the self maintenance

Whatever I do, I will do it with gratitude, because I have a lot to be thankful for.  Time to sit and think about what to do is just the tip of the sconeberg, I mean iceberg.

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