What I Do Not Do Well:

  • Shut up
  • Hide my true feelings
  • Keep it down
  • Consistency
  • Improve
  • Change
  • Love my kids
  • Warm, comfy feelings toward others
  • Not retaliate
  • Share
  • Lie
  • Bull shit because I should
  • Passivity
  • Work hard at something I believe to be a waste
  • Stay up late
  • Baby people
  • Show love
  • Accept what I cannot understand
  • Living for someone else
  • Grow rosemary
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Mother’s Day Etiquette

thanks-always-thinking-about-mothers-day-ecard-someecards

Oh mother’s day.  What the hell are you?  A day to recognize that mothers exist?  A day to go over to mom’s and hang out while she cooks and cleans up after us?  Buy flowers? Stupid pointless cards that cost five freaking dollars that don’t fit the nature of your relationship – because let’s just be honest, no one has that kind of relationship with their mother (fluffy, pink, sweet, light of my life shit).  I’d really rather have the option of buying a card that says something like “This is a really awkward day and I don’t like to hang out with you but I’m supposed to do something so here”.  I’d buy that.

Then there’s the I’m a mother and it’s mother’s day situation.  Does age trump number of kids?  Do we always have to defer to our mothers before we take a freaking day to do nothing – including mother?  Do I get to opt out as a mother’s day recipient?  You really want to give me something? Well how about  leave me the feck alone for a day!

What about grandmothers and aunts?   Why are all the cards out there for them if they aren’t our MOTHERS!  Where does it stop people?  Can we please just stop the insanity of having to fake it through another goddamn holiday thing that we have to celebrate because it’s what we do, regardless of reality or beliefs, or lack of religion etc.  I am not a Christian but I’m expected to celebrate easter and Christmas.  I don’t believe the story of Thanksgiving, but I am required to go eat and be thankful for something.  Father’s day, grandparent’s day, blah blah blah.  Let’s just call them all by what they are: Painful Relationships Awareness Day.  Let’s at least be honest about it and forgive each other for being less than we’d hoped for, lower the expectations, accept reality and go see a movie alone, or at least with people we choose to be around because we honestly like them.

Dear My Mom,

Just when I think you’ve undermined my parental authority to the furthest extent humanly possible, you surpass yourself flying mid-air. Let me just explain some things you might have missed during our recent conversations. I’ll try to be brief, as I’m sure you have my kids to coddle, make excuses for, buy things for, pick up, drive around, challenge my authority with, baby, and feed (because apparently there is no food in my house). Aren’t you sick of this yet? I sure am.

Here are a few points I would like you to take in- just take them in and let them move around inside you for awhile until you become aware of their existence. Then you might begin to think about something other than pleasing your husband, God and everyone else – with the exception of me of course, which I’ve not come to understand yet. I’ll work on that next, when I’m done fighting you off my kids.

  • There are reasons we aren’t close, many of which you have not ever begun to consider
  • You are NOT my kids mom, that’s me, remember?
  • Your opinion of anything does not supersede mine, I don’t give a rats ass how old you are, you sure haven’t lived long
  • I’m in charge of my daughter and son, you’re in charge of church and yourself
  • When you tell my daughter my opinion, rules, approach, and really all that I am – is wrong and you actually ignore me and do what you want for and/or with my daughter, you’re creating an impossible situation for us all. I believe it’s called “Triangulation”.
  • If you continue to rescue my daughter from her rules at my house, she will be living at your house, permanently
  • You are teaching her how to manipulate and underhandedly cheat in relationships. Not okay.
  • YOU fucking need boundaries
  • YOU fucking need self-awareness
  • YOU fucking need a life

 

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My Two Heads

It just struck me how ironic it is that on my way into work I was planning out what to “steal” from my daughters room in order to make her feel a similar rage I felt this morning when I couldn’t find my blush or eye shadow (“Hmmmm, I said to myself, I wonder where it could be” –  not really, that’s not at all what I said).  And now I sit at my computer getting ready to respond to an email from a colleague about a “working moms support group” and how I can help support their mission of being perfect, loving, doting parents as well as world renowned academics.

That’s Just About Enough

I’ve had it up to here, where ever that is.  My blood has been replaced with searing rage and is coursing through my veins at a pace that is near dangerous, though to whom I’m not sure.  I’m always surprised when I can move from one emotion to another – on the opposite end of the spectrum – in 8 hours.  Sleep does a body good, or puts loved ones in danger – it’s yet to be determined.

I actually felt compassion for my daughter last night when she said she was too sad to go to work or school and needed my support.  I almost regretted that I told her she had to go apply for jobs all day at the mall while I was at work instead of sitting on the couch watching movies, eating food and texting me that there was no food.  That is until the C-word was used in reference to my expectations of her which were “insane”.  Enough.  I’m done.  I have no empathy or room for your mouth, needs, wants or sadness anymore.  Let me explain that when you are supporting yourself there is no place for “depression”, being too sad and upset to “do life”.  And I don’t give a rats ass anymore.  You work or you die.  I will no longer be intervening.  Simple as that.  I know about depression and sadness, I really do.  It sucks and it makes life questionable.  But honey, there are times it’s a luxury to be depressed and now is not one of those for you.  E. Nough.