No, actually it’s murder.

Since last Tuesday when co-pilot of Germanwings Flight 9525 killed 150 people in one fell swoop I’ve heard and read the words suicide and depression more than I can count. What has not been used is the word murder, which is exactly what Andreas Lubitz committed. He murdered 150 people in cold blood. He ultimately killed himself as well, but does that mean we call this crime a suicide? When there’s a shooting at a mall, or a school shooting where the perpetrator kills people and then themselves, do we call this a suicide?

I am a mental health professional in private practice and besides serving as a witness, mirror and counselor to my clients, I spend a lot of time researching crime and sociopathic behavior. What I know is that suicide and murder are two different things, and require two types of thought processes and delusion. Not only was Andreas Lubitz willing to take his own life, which is extreme and sad no doubt, he was for some unknown reason willing to take the lives of 150 people – that’s a statement of power, anger,  rage and control. That is an external expression of violence, not only against total strangers but passengers that he was responsible for as a co-pilot of that airplane. He sat in total silence while those passengers screamed, knowing their lives were about to end.

By looking at this man as a victim of depression or any other mental illness he loses accountability. He becomes someone doctors or therapist failed or let slip through, someone that shouldn’t have been allowed to fly and that’s why this happened,  and his actions become less grotesque. The reality is that he shouldn’t have killed 150 people, regardless of depression, suicidal ideation or otherwise.

I don’t know why he did what he did; ultimately if we somehow find out it won’t change anything. It won’t give us insight that will make sense of this and logically be able to stop it in the future. There will not be a regulation now put in place that will prevent this type of tragedy from happening despite trying. If someone like him decides to do it – lock on the door, two people in the cockpit, exposing all health related records -or not it will happen in one tragic way or another.  As a culture, we focus on what we can do to prevent the past from happening again, all too much – our own delusions of control. I’m not saying we should just put our hands up and look for no preventative measures. Could this have been prevented? I don’t know, but I don’t think so. It’s terrible and sad and incomprehensible and I cannot imagine what the friends, families, co-workers and neighbors of the victims are going through. Mass murder is hard to predict and even harder to stop. What we can do now at the very least is hold him responsible as much as we can by calling his action what it was, a crime against others; murder.

Why isn’t everyone crazy?

Apparently I’m losing my mind, wits, marbles – whatever.  I lost things, let’s put it that way.  And I can’t seem to find them.   To be quite honest, I’m not sure where to look and I’ve procrastinated a bit.  Okay, I haven’t looked.

My brain isn’t working, I cannot make myself do things I don’t like and I much prefer altered states of consciousness.  Not conducive to my life and it’s not working out well.  I seem to recently have these new rules for myself that are quite limiting.  For example, I’m not allowed to leave the house after dark on a weeknight.  It’s bad.  This restricts movie watching at a theatre.  And I must have the option of being in bed by 9:30, never mind the fact that rarely happens.  No phone conversations after work.  Or at work.  They’re exhausting.  Absolutely no doing anything different.  Nope, not me.  I will do the same goddamn things until my tracks are so ingrained I can’t see out of them.  Ask me why?  I have no idea.  I know better, and chose less.  Maybe removing body parts will make things different.  Maybe they’ll find my wits in there, and they’ve just been hiding in my uterus.  I wouldn’t blame them, it’s nice, dark and warm.

Oh god, it’s only 4:25.

Ovaryacting

download.jpg

 

I wish I had something really smart to say about all this.  I got nothin’.  It’s been around 6 months since I’ve written anything on this blog, mostly because I forgot about it.  Today I remembered, wishing I had someone to talk at, that would just listen and nod in agreement.  Here we are, you and I, go ahead and nod away.

Many endings and changes since December: my relationship ending, kids moving out,  sanity gone.  Not much would ever surprise me , or so I thought.  Then I found a cyst and my right ovary, had it removed in April.   Doctors determined it was ovarian cancer, stage 1.  I’ll be going back in two weeks from today to have all the rest taken out, including my appendix.  Then chemo for a bit. I’ll be in menopause and require HRT.

It’s an odd thing, having cancer.  It’s exactly what you think it would be like – full of denial, resistance, disbelief and all that, and I don’t have anything major, really.  Just need to do a clean sweep and I should be okay…fingers crossed.  It makes you ask a lot of existential questions; tease the unimportant from the truly valuable, and examine what control you do or don’t have.  It’s exhausting.  And enlightening.  I’ve decided I really want to be happy.  I REALLY WANT TO BE HAPPY!  Did you hear me?  And I’m not.  I don’t think I ever have been.  Most of what I do, most of the time, is not making me happy.  I know all the bull shit about choices, and focus and gratitude – I’m a fucking therapist for Christ’s sake.  But really, it takes doing something different, not just changing your self talk.  That’s where I am now, anyway.  I’m sure it will change.  My intent is to write about it for a while and see where I go.

Two weeks and counting…

Mother’s Day Etiquette

thanks-always-thinking-about-mothers-day-ecard-someecards

Oh mother’s day.  What the hell are you?  A day to recognize that mothers exist?  A day to go over to mom’s and hang out while she cooks and cleans up after us?  Buy flowers? Stupid pointless cards that cost five freaking dollars that don’t fit the nature of your relationship – because let’s just be honest, no one has that kind of relationship with their mother (fluffy, pink, sweet, light of my life shit).  I’d really rather have the option of buying a card that says something like “This is a really awkward day and I don’t like to hang out with you but I’m supposed to do something so here”.  I’d buy that.

Then there’s the I’m a mother and it’s mother’s day situation.  Does age trump number of kids?  Do we always have to defer to our mothers before we take a freaking day to do nothing – including mother?  Do I get to opt out as a mother’s day recipient?  You really want to give me something? Well how about  leave me the feck alone for a day!

What about grandmothers and aunts?   Why are all the cards out there for them if they aren’t our MOTHERS!  Where does it stop people?  Can we please just stop the insanity of having to fake it through another goddamn holiday thing that we have to celebrate because it’s what we do, regardless of reality or beliefs, or lack of religion etc.  I am not a Christian but I’m expected to celebrate easter and Christmas.  I don’t believe the story of Thanksgiving, but I am required to go eat and be thankful for something.  Father’s day, grandparent’s day, blah blah blah.  Let’s just call them all by what they are: Painful Relationships Awareness Day.  Let’s at least be honest about it and forgive each other for being less than we’d hoped for, lower the expectations, accept reality and go see a movie alone, or at least with people we choose to be around because we honestly like them.

Still there, again.

During my session with my therapist last night, it was pointed out to me that I had mentioned “being in the woods” at least three times, and that perhaps I should go to the woods sometime.  When he said that I almost started crying immediately.  I remembered that when I was a kid, just a random aged kid, I would have episodes of being depressed, numb, depressed and overwhelmed and alone much like I have recently.  My solution was to go way out in the woods to one of two spots with a moss covered tree or hill under a tree, and sit and cry for a couple hours until I couldn’t do either anymore.  Then I gave up the drama and went home, acting like nothing happened.  I’m assuming this was helpful, though here I am again, feeling the same way and apparently needing the same thing.  I can’t figure out what it is about walking into the safe thickness of a covered woods, heavy with leaves, earthy and damp, draped with bright green moss that cures me, at least momentarily.

mossy-forest-north-wales-2009-05-19-holiday-001-jimpix-co-uk

 

I think I’ll go today when I get home.  I’ll find a large, cool rock resting on the edge of a creek and sit.  Quietly.  Alone. I’ll probably cry, though I’m not entirely sure why.  With a lot of luck I’ll find some mushrooms for dinner.

Liebster Blog Award!

images

I am so surprised and honored that I was nominated for a Liebster award today from a like-minded mamma – extrememom.net – how exciting!  The rules for this one state that you answer the 11 questions asked of you by the Blogger who gave you this award. Then you pick blogs you want to nominate (under 200 followers) and ask them your own 11 questions.  These would be Extrememom’s ’ questions for me.

I really appreciate your nomination – Thank you very much!!!

The questions for me were: 

1. If you had to be an Old Maid card, which one would it be? (make something up, like…  Valerie Vodka or Shopaholic Shannon)

Macabre Mommy – ha – just the first thing that came to mind.

2. What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done? Just ONE please.

Wow, just one?  I suppose overall, just not trusted my intuition. 

3. If you could live anywhere on earth, where would it be?

I can’t say one place because I haven’t been to enough.  I suppose it would be somewhere north-west with mountains and ocean.  Mmmmmm…

4. What was your favorite childhood toy?

I had about 20 matchbox cars that I played with – they were actually people – named and all, not cars with people in them.  I played with them for hours, creating my own soap opera of sorts.  

5. Are you a dog or cat person? DOG!!!

6. If you could spend the day with any celebrity, who would it be? Why?

Audrey Hepburn – mostly because she’s dead and I’m really curious about that experience.  Plus she’s cool.  

7. What three words best describe your blog?

Honest. Raw. Authentic. 

8. Name something currently on your ‘bucket list’.

I don’t have a bucket list, but I want to be able to learn acceptance and letting go well enough to actually be able to do it.  

9. Who’s your favorite author?

Right now, Gillian Flynn

10. Describe your strangest dream.

Repeatedly being killed by my aunt’s ex husband – and the dream was in red. 

11.  An interesting fact about you…

I love goats?  I’m really not interesting at all.  

And I nominate the following 5 (because I don’t have time to find more that I love, these are the 5 under 200 that I love) – please note if you have more than 200 followers this is not meant as an insult, only my mistake.

1) The Diary of Dave Cameron http://thediaryofdavidcameron.wordpress.com/

2) Wine and Cheese  http://wineandcheesedoodles.wordpress.com/

3) Why is She so Stroppy  http://whyishersostroppy.wordpress.com/

4) Cold  http://victoriadougherty.wordpress.com/

5) Mother Outlaw  http://motheroutlaw.wordpress.com/

6) Vultures and Butterflies  http://vulturesandbutterflies.wordpress.com/

7)  Candid Coma  http://candidcoma.wordpress.com/

8) Finding Amy http://findingamymarsden.wordpress.com/

AND Your Questions Are (answer long or short, one word or fifty, I don’t care)…

1)What was the last thing you said?

2) What are you doing after 5pm today?

3) What would you do for a profession (anything)  if you knew you would succeed?

4) Favorite quote?

5) Do you search forever to find a close parking spot or just park and walk?

6) What’s you’re remedy for cleaning your stove top?

6) How do you deal with anger?

7) Have you ever had shark?

8) Organic or who cares?

9) What is your primary responsibility?

10) What’s one thing you want to know about me (not that I’ll answer)?

11) If you believe in a “higher power”, how do you define it and/or what do you call it?

liebsteraward