Respect the Heart Shell

I returned from vacation at 2 am Tuesday morning.  What a shock to go back to work Wednesday – the contrast of being outside hiking in the woods daily in North Carolina, with now being in my windowless office – is deep.

rocks

During the trip, and a short time prior, I was beginning to work on my opening my heart.  Sounds cheesy, trust me I know.  I have been emotionally numb and stuck for a long time and have recently wanted that to change for various reasons.  I started looking for something – a book, a group – anything to help.  What showed up was a class on opening the heart, which I signed up for and attended a few days before my trip.  Nothing striking there, but it began a slightly different thought process.  Since returning I have noticed that perhaps focusing on my heart has moved something, just a little.  Being in the green lush mountains has healed, perhaps a smidge.  The thing I’ve really come to understand is that my heart is encased in a hard shell for a reason – when it’s ready to crack it will.  When I heal and am ready to move forward, I will.

I haven’t talked to my kids for awhile – and really don’t feel a thing about that.  I have not made any attempt to repair my relationship with my mother – and am not sure it’s my job.  I do not have any contact with my family right now – feels fine.  Nice actually – no guilt trips.  I believe I’ll  just sit here awhile.

Mother’s Day Etiquette

thanks-always-thinking-about-mothers-day-ecard-someecards

Oh mother’s day.  What the hell are you?  A day to recognize that mothers exist?  A day to go over to mom’s and hang out while she cooks and cleans up after us?  Buy flowers? Stupid pointless cards that cost five freaking dollars that don’t fit the nature of your relationship – because let’s just be honest, no one has that kind of relationship with their mother (fluffy, pink, sweet, light of my life shit).  I’d really rather have the option of buying a card that says something like “This is a really awkward day and I don’t like to hang out with you but I’m supposed to do something so here”.  I’d buy that.

Then there’s the I’m a mother and it’s mother’s day situation.  Does age trump number of kids?  Do we always have to defer to our mothers before we take a freaking day to do nothing – including mother?  Do I get to opt out as a mother’s day recipient?  You really want to give me something? Well how about  leave me the feck alone for a day!

What about grandmothers and aunts?   Why are all the cards out there for them if they aren’t our MOTHERS!  Where does it stop people?  Can we please just stop the insanity of having to fake it through another goddamn holiday thing that we have to celebrate because it’s what we do, regardless of reality or beliefs, or lack of religion etc.  I am not a Christian but I’m expected to celebrate easter and Christmas.  I don’t believe the story of Thanksgiving, but I am required to go eat and be thankful for something.  Father’s day, grandparent’s day, blah blah blah.  Let’s just call them all by what they are: Painful Relationships Awareness Day.  Let’s at least be honest about it and forgive each other for being less than we’d hoped for, lower the expectations, accept reality and go see a movie alone, or at least with people we choose to be around because we honestly like them.

Still there, again.

During my session with my therapist last night, it was pointed out to me that I had mentioned “being in the woods” at least three times, and that perhaps I should go to the woods sometime.  When he said that I almost started crying immediately.  I remembered that when I was a kid, just a random aged kid, I would have episodes of being depressed, numb, depressed and overwhelmed and alone much like I have recently.  My solution was to go way out in the woods to one of two spots with a moss covered tree or hill under a tree, and sit and cry for a couple hours until I couldn’t do either anymore.  Then I gave up the drama and went home, acting like nothing happened.  I’m assuming this was helpful, though here I am again, feeling the same way and apparently needing the same thing.  I can’t figure out what it is about walking into the safe thickness of a covered woods, heavy with leaves, earthy and damp, draped with bright green moss that cures me, at least momentarily.

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I think I’ll go today when I get home.  I’ll find a large, cool rock resting on the edge of a creek and sit.  Quietly.  Alone. I’ll probably cry, though I’m not entirely sure why.  With a lot of luck I’ll find some mushrooms for dinner.

Things I’ve Noticed Today…

  • Thick lotion is almost impossible to get out of a bottle.
  • I’ve gained a few pounds.
  • I will lose hair everyday, all day, forever, but it will mostly be found on the bathroom floor when my feet are wet.
  • I hate my clothes.
  • My boyfriend takes up most the bed and for some reason that doesn’t bother me in the least.
  • My neck hurts.
  • I don’t like most HR people, they’re bubbly.
  • I don’t like most people, they’re bubbly.
  • My mom pisses me off.
  • My mom will likely never be able to critically think about anything, least of all me.
  • Other people agree with me, unless of course they’re lying.
  • My neck hurts.
  • Little food has many calories.
  • I’m not like most people I know.
  • I don’t like my job right now.
  • Calluses make you stronger.
  • Chewing gum loses its flavour in about 20 minutes.

Dear My Mom,

Just when I think you’ve undermined my parental authority to the furthest extent humanly possible, you surpass yourself flying mid-air. Let me just explain some things you might have missed during our recent conversations. I’ll try to be brief, as I’m sure you have my kids to coddle, make excuses for, buy things for, pick up, drive around, challenge my authority with, baby, and feed (because apparently there is no food in my house). Aren’t you sick of this yet? I sure am.

Here are a few points I would like you to take in- just take them in and let them move around inside you for awhile until you become aware of their existence. Then you might begin to think about something other than pleasing your husband, God and everyone else – with the exception of me of course, which I’ve not come to understand yet. I’ll work on that next, when I’m done fighting you off my kids.

  • There are reasons we aren’t close, many of which you have not ever begun to consider
  • You are NOT my kids mom, that’s me, remember?
  • Your opinion of anything does not supersede mine, I don’t give a rats ass how old you are, you sure haven’t lived long
  • I’m in charge of my daughter and son, you’re in charge of church and yourself
  • When you tell my daughter my opinion, rules, approach, and really all that I am – is wrong and you actually ignore me and do what you want for and/or with my daughter, you’re creating an impossible situation for us all. I believe it’s called “Triangulation”.
  • If you continue to rescue my daughter from her rules at my house, she will be living at your house, permanently
  • You are teaching her how to manipulate and underhandedly cheat in relationships. Not okay.
  • YOU fucking need boundaries
  • YOU fucking need self-awareness
  • YOU fucking need a life

 

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Liebster Blog Award!

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I am so surprised and honored that I was nominated for a Liebster award today from a like-minded mamma – extrememom.net – how exciting!  The rules for this one state that you answer the 11 questions asked of you by the Blogger who gave you this award. Then you pick blogs you want to nominate (under 200 followers) and ask them your own 11 questions.  These would be Extrememom’s ’ questions for me.

I really appreciate your nomination – Thank you very much!!!

The questions for me were: 

1. If you had to be an Old Maid card, which one would it be? (make something up, like…  Valerie Vodka or Shopaholic Shannon)

Macabre Mommy – ha – just the first thing that came to mind.

2. What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done? Just ONE please.

Wow, just one?  I suppose overall, just not trusted my intuition. 

3. If you could live anywhere on earth, where would it be?

I can’t say one place because I haven’t been to enough.  I suppose it would be somewhere north-west with mountains and ocean.  Mmmmmm…

4. What was your favorite childhood toy?

I had about 20 matchbox cars that I played with – they were actually people – named and all, not cars with people in them.  I played with them for hours, creating my own soap opera of sorts.  

5. Are you a dog or cat person? DOG!!!

6. If you could spend the day with any celebrity, who would it be? Why?

Audrey Hepburn – mostly because she’s dead and I’m really curious about that experience.  Plus she’s cool.  

7. What three words best describe your blog?

Honest. Raw. Authentic. 

8. Name something currently on your ‘bucket list’.

I don’t have a bucket list, but I want to be able to learn acceptance and letting go well enough to actually be able to do it.  

9. Who’s your favorite author?

Right now, Gillian Flynn

10. Describe your strangest dream.

Repeatedly being killed by my aunt’s ex husband – and the dream was in red. 

11.  An interesting fact about you…

I love goats?  I’m really not interesting at all.  

And I nominate the following 5 (because I don’t have time to find more that I love, these are the 5 under 200 that I love) – please note if you have more than 200 followers this is not meant as an insult, only my mistake.

1) The Diary of Dave Cameron http://thediaryofdavidcameron.wordpress.com/

2) Wine and Cheese  http://wineandcheesedoodles.wordpress.com/

3) Why is She so Stroppy  http://whyishersostroppy.wordpress.com/

4) Cold  http://victoriadougherty.wordpress.com/

5) Mother Outlaw  http://motheroutlaw.wordpress.com/

6) Vultures and Butterflies  http://vulturesandbutterflies.wordpress.com/

7)  Candid Coma  http://candidcoma.wordpress.com/

8) Finding Amy http://findingamymarsden.wordpress.com/

AND Your Questions Are (answer long or short, one word or fifty, I don’t care)…

1)What was the last thing you said?

2) What are you doing after 5pm today?

3) What would you do for a profession (anything)  if you knew you would succeed?

4) Favorite quote?

5) Do you search forever to find a close parking spot or just park and walk?

6) What’s you’re remedy for cleaning your stove top?

6) How do you deal with anger?

7) Have you ever had shark?

8) Organic or who cares?

9) What is your primary responsibility?

10) What’s one thing you want to know about me (not that I’ll answer)?

11) If you believe in a “higher power”, how do you define it and/or what do you call it?

liebsteraward

It’s Definitely Not Sunday Again

Monday morning starts off with my alarm working perfectly.  Apparently I am not.  Never heard a sound from 5:45 am when the alarm began it’s attempts to arouse me, until I actually woke up (primarily because it was so damn bright in my bedroom) at 8:30 am.

As I rush around to make coffee and gather my wits, my non-working or going to school 17 year old, (who will be working by Tuesday, AND enrolled in an online program or she’ll be lacking a house and food) strolls out of her room in a perky mood, looking beautiful and well refreshed, asking if she may have some coffee while humming a tune.  Why does this make me hate her more than I already do?  One can infer, I have my own reasons.

Now it’s 11:45 am and I’m still attempting to ingest enough coffee to lose the puffy eyes and co-workers are microwaving their lunch, making the whole place smell like food – yuck!  Half my day is missing and I’m trying to catch the hell up.  And write about it.  Because writing about it helps.  And takes up more time.  And I work better under pressure.