Oh mother’s day. What the hell are you? A day to recognize that mothers exist? A day to go over to mom’s and hang out while she cooks and cleans up after us? Buy flowers? Stupid pointless cards that cost five freaking dollars that don’t fit the nature of your relationship – because let’s just be honest, no one has that kind of relationship with their mother (fluffy, pink, sweet, light of my life shit). I’d really rather have the option of buying a card that says something like “This is a really awkward day and I don’t like to hang out with you but I’m supposed to do something so here”. I’d buy that.
Then there’s the I’m a mother and it’s mother’s day situation. Does age trump number of kids? Do we always have to defer to our mothers before we take a freaking day to do nothing – including mother? Do I get to opt out as a mother’s day recipient? You really want to give me something? Well how about leave me the feck alone for a day!
What about grandmothers and aunts? Why are all the cards out there for them if they aren’t our MOTHERS! Where does it stop people? Can we please just stop the insanity of having to fake it through another goddamn holiday thing that we have to celebrate because it’s what we do, regardless of reality or beliefs, or lack of religion etc. I am not a Christian but I’m expected to celebrate easter and Christmas. I don’t believe the story of Thanksgiving, but I am required to go eat and be thankful for something. Father’s day, grandparent’s day, blah blah blah. Let’s just call them all by what they are: Painful Relationships Awareness Day. Let’s at least be honest about it and forgive each other for being less than we’d hoped for, lower the expectations, accept reality and go see a movie alone, or at least with people we choose to be around because we honestly like them.
It’s interesting how birthday’s lose their luster after a certain age. Thirty-five is a good number, I’m glad I’ve made it here. Still, it’s just a day. I remember waiting months for the big day and so looking forward to the party with family and friends. Wanting to get older and excited for the age. I felt very important and special, which I think was the point. I’m not in a reflective place – looking at the past seems fairly pointless. I’m going to look to the future today; amazed that I’ve come this far, grateful for the blessings I’ve incurred and ready to move on, accepting that I am right where I’m supposed to be.
Ready for bed, but a smidge too irritated with the female child to relax. I’m trying to remember if at 17 I was such a mouthy, evil obnoxious ass. I’m almost certain I was not. On the outside. Really. Considering I had two kids at that age, I couldn’t afford to piss too many people off, especially relatives. You know, the ones who are supposed to stick around and do the awful things to help that no one else will. They did, though I’m not sure why. I can honestly say that if my kids had kids now, I would abandon the shit out of them…all! No problem here, I’d just say ‘no thank you, I’m done and this is your problem. Didn’t my life serve as enough of a horrid warning?’ Jesus, the nerve of teenage girls these days. And yes, I just said ‘these days’.
On the semi-brighter side of things the new job hasn’t sent me into an all consuming panic attack yet. Of course it’s only been one day, but that is more than I expected. Apparently I underestimated my ability to deceive. I’ve been ready for bed since 6:15 and am somehow still awake which will stop soon. How long will I be able to keep the charade afloat? Time will tell, my friends, time will tell.
It’s a new freaking year, now what. There’s a lot of theoretical pressure surrounding a New Year. Resolutions and such. I usually say I won’t make a bullshit resolution and secretly do, though not saying it out loud means it’s not bound by any real expectations or hopes. If I were to resolve myself to do something, anything, this year it would be to become good at something…other than failing. Like knitting. I tried to start last night but after winding the yarn ball too tight I realized it was doomed. My first three attempts at casting on were too tight and I gave up by throwing the needles. Of course my completely talented and handsome boyfriend was better at it than me. Ironically, I’m trying to knit a scarf for him. Today I will try again. Alone. Tight ass yarn balls and all. New Year’s day with the dog, yarn balls in a tea cup (so they don’t roll around and tempt said dog), no kids or family and warm feet. Nice. If only I could enjoy it. I’m anxious and untalented. I suppose there are worse things. I’ll keep plugging along, if for no other reason than to just see what happens. My poor boyfriend.
Time to go away all you Christmas drag. I’m sick of looking at you.
Not especially enjoying the family bull shit either. Last night was potentially the last of the uncomfortable – nothing to say because we really have nothing in common – dinners. Ready to go back to my fairly isolated, somewhat selfish and wonderfully comfortable existence. Possibly ready for a new year, although a number really doesn’t change anything. A day can.
One ID down, one to go. I believe that if I had not had twins I might just be sane now. Expecting one person to do every effing thing twice is over the top. It’s like some cosmic force has been saying “here’s what this is like, you know it sucks, now do it again” for seventeen years. Wow, thanks cosmic force.
I am much more pleased with the prospect of the rest of my day, primarily because it involves no family. None. No holier than thou ‘I make money and protect my assets and therefore you should live under the same illusion and be worried and anal at all times’ statements from older brothers. Better prepared for life older brothers. Better parent older brother. Well, have fun with all that. I get to go be and do as I wish for the rest of the day, child free and blessed. The view is pretty nice from here.
It’s 9:03 and I have exactly 16 minutes left on my battery life. I have -15 minutes to get ready to go meet my brother and son to get his first id card, which I’m fairly sure will take all day; however, I’m not sure I like either of them right now, although I should be happy someone is going with me. Honestly, I just feel like crap. I’m cold and crampy. And I really don’t like my son in general.